Inspired by Oakland A’s co-owner Lew Wolff’s ludicrous proposition that baseball should reduce the first round of the playoffs to a single game, I present my top asinine ideas to make the sports world a better place.
We all know that rules are rules. But are they actually something more when they are designed with absolutely no rational thought?
10. Money Buys Happiness Rule
For years, the New York Yankees organization has been run on a platform built by fear, intimidation, and, above all, bottomless reserves of cold, hard cash. Even revenue-sharing mandates exacted by Major League Baseball couldn’t ideally affect the financial dominance of the George/Hank Steinbrenner evil empire.
But what if MLB officials quit tampering with Yankee resources?
It would be comforting for all Steinbrenners involved if baseball passed a rule that would allow the wealthiest two teams from each league to automatically qualify for the postseason, especially considering the Yanks’ current eight-season championship drought.
9. The “Our Shit Doesn’t Stink” Rule
Far be it for me to accuse New England Patriots fans of being delusional, but the gloating has to stop. Then again, after the Pats narrowly missed a chance at a dynasty a season ago, maybe fans should feel that the team will win the Lombardi Trophy every year.
That being said, even with its Stetson cologne model of a quarterback on the bench, Patriots Nation’s self-proclaimed omnipotence is more annoying than ever this season. The NFL could save a lot of us a large amount of undue frustration if they would take a little more time to stroke the egos of big-headed New Englanders.
The solution is simple: Enforce a rule that would not only declare the Patriots eligible for the Super Bowl each season, but place them in some sort of pseudo-conference. New England would then face the winner of a showdown between AFC and NFC champions for the right to a world title.
8. No Springtime in Philadelphia Rule
I say give the reigning World Series Champions some extra time off. After all, they earned it, right? Ah, but not for the reasons you would assume…
I am advocating the Phils begin the 2009 season a good month later than the other 29 MLB teams. I figure, this way, if the Phils begin the season in, say, mid-May, both the organization and the fans will be allowed to easily bypass the bitterness of another losing April.
With the exception of 2008, the Phillies have been at least three games under .500 in April of every season since 2003. However, the manifestation of this rule will also prove to be a great deterrent in Ryan Howard’s chase for the all-time strikeouts lead.
7. Too Many Skilled Swedes on One Team Rule
The international proliferation of NHL-caliber talent is literally killing the game, and we have identified the Detroit Red Wings’ scouting department as an accomplice to the crime. Whatever happened to assembling a team of 10 muckers from Saskatchewan and letting them pound people’s asses into the boards for three periods?
Tic-tac-toe passing, the neutral-zone trap, forwards that actually play defense—it’s not fair, nor is it the way the NHL was meant to be played.
According to this rule, each team will be allowed only two players whose last names contain two consecutive S's and NO players with the name “Zetterberg” or “Lidstrom.”
6. The Sam Cassell Rule
People of Houston, Phoenix, Dallas, East Rutherford, Milwaukee, Minnesota, Los Angeles, and Boston: I regret to inform you that you may have been inadvertently exposed to extraterrestrial radiation at some point over the last 15 NBA seasons.
If you currently live, or have lived, in any one of the aforementioned cities, it is imperative that you seek immediate medical attention. If left untreated, poisoning caused by said radiation has the potential to cause you to lose all your hair, turn both of your ears outward, create unattractive gaps in your teeth, and force your eyeballs to pop out of their sockets.
The NBA has mandated that any and all fans who have come in direct contact with Mr. Sam Cassell since 1993 quarantine themselves until an effective antidotal serum can be produced, or Mr. Cassell retires—whichever comes first.
Symptoms of this rare but most volatile condition include visions of Hakeem Olajuwon, a radically improved jumpshot, and heart attack.
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about 1 month ago
On Number 5. You forgot Rangers/Islanders and Flames/Oilers. Other than that, great article. I almost pissed my pants on the Sam Cassell thing.
from about 1 month ago
The Flames and Oilers both have winning traditions :)
from about 1 month ago
David,
I nearly put the Rangers/Isles on there, but then I realized the two teams have combined for eight Cups
about 1 month ago
Funny stuff for the most part. POTD for me. Don't really agree with rule 10, but this is a humor piece, right? (All is forgiven!)
from about 1 month ago
Edgar,
All in good fun, my friend. Thanks for reading...
about 1 month ago
Just want to say New Jersey is a state not a city...and yes I live in the Garbage State.
from about 1 month ago
My mistake, Jason. Thanks for the correction. I'm glad you have such a positive opinion on your home state.
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