WWE Raw Review, Oct. 31: The Rock Answers Cena, WrestleMania Rematch

Mike Shannon@@DLman91Featured ColumnistNovember 1, 2011

It's going to be very difficult for the Divas to top Trish Stratus and her costume from a few years ago. You know, she could probably return tomorrow and instantly be the top woman in the company considering most of today's divas have the charisma of a mouse pad.

-Speaking of Halloween, I really think it might be my favorite holiday. What other time of the year can women dress like prostitutes and it's completely acceptable? They might as well hang a sign around their neck saying "I'm up for some casual sex tonight." It would make things much easier.

-Well the Rock is kind of here...via satellite. Hmmm, they left that part out when they were promoting this the last few weeks, huh? Anyways, the Rock says "hell no" to John Cena's request and that seems to be that, WWE has swerved us and...

Oh wait, never mind. The Rock thought about it and listened to his Twitter followers so he's decided that he wants to kick the Miz & R-Truth's ass on pay-per-view. Apparently I can influence WWE's booking decisions by following the Rock on Twitter...good reason to sign up.

Anyways, Rocky isn't doing this as favor to Cena, he's doing it so Cena can witness how great the Rock is up-close...if you smell what he's cooking.


CM Punk vs. Mark Henry

If CM Punk can beat Mizark, he will get a shot at Alberto Del Rio at Survivor Series. Good thing that was announced on WWE.com so they could get the maximum exposure out of it. Johnny Ace pops up and repeats that announcement with the electricity and charisma that only he has.

Punk tries to jump on Henry's back but Mizark adjusts and hits a powerslam for two. Punk gets manhandled some more while King and Cole sell Henry's injuries from the ring collapsing at Vengeance. Punk comes back with his flying clothesline and hits the MACHO ELBOW for two. Alberto Del Rio joins us at ring side and sends Ricardo Rodriguez into the ring to attack Mark Henry and get Punk intentionally disqualified.

Winner by DQ: Mark Henry

-Punk chases Del Rio away and feeds Rodriguez to Henry for the World's Fattest Slam. Short match + bad ending = DUD. Of course, it was just an angle and not a match but hey, it still counts.

-Ah wait a minute here, you were dumb for thinking the Rock was going to be here tonight because it's actually in TWO WEEKS at the next three hour special. Oh, gotcha...that was totally clear earlier.

-I also totally forgot that the Muppets were here tonight. Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy appear but are interrupted by Jack Swagger and Vickie Guerrero. Vickie and Miss Piggy get in a heated confrontation which draws out Santino Marella to break things up. Santino announces that he is booked against Swagger tonight and Dolph Ziggler with face Zack Ryder.

Oh wait, Kelly Kelly is here as well dressed like...ummm, I have no idea. It looks like some weird combination of a pirate and cowboy. Anyways, she kisses Kermit and angers Miss Piggy, taking us to break.

By the way, if you would have told me 10 years ago that I would still be recapping Raw, only I would have to analyze a heated confrontation between Miss Piggy and Eddie Guerrero's wife...I'd have punched you in the face and called you a dirty liar.


Divas Battle Royal

Eve is Robin, Tamina is some cave woman, Aksana is Morticia Addams, AJ is Kitana, Kelly is that weird pirate combo, Alicia is a sailor, the Bellas are Mario and Luigi and Beth Phoenix is on commentary as a queen. None of them look particularly hot or memorable...really disappointed because you know there are some women in there with really slutty qualities.

Anyways, this is the typical joke battle royal as women go flying at a record pace as Eve and Kelly double team the Bellas with their brutally terrible offense and eliminate them. Natalya, dressed as Beth Phoenix, gets rid of Alicia Fox and Kelly Kelly but Eve dumps her to win the thing and get a shot at the women's title.

Winner: Eve

-This was absolute garbage...DUD.

-Meanwhile, Muppets Bunson and Beaker cook up a drink for Santino but run into Christian and Sheamus instead. Apparently Beaker is now related to Sheamus in a way that I don't even want to think about.


Air Boom vs. Cody Rhodes & Wade Barrett

Cody works Bourne's arm but gets caught and double teamed by the tag champs (crack WWE camera work ensures that we miss the actual move). Kofi kicks away but gets distracted by Barrett and goes splat on a springboard attempt. Russian leg sweep gets two for Rhodes and Barrett checks in with a side slam for two. Bourne looks like he went a little heavy on the Tan in a Bottle this week.

Barrett slugs Kofi down for two and tags in Cody for some mudhole stomping. Rhodes works a chinlock for a bit and drags Kingston to the heel corner for some more Ricky Morton working. Kingston finally comes back with a monkey flip on Rhodes and gets the hot tag to Bourne who DDTs his way out of Wasteland for two, saved by Cody. Bourne looks to finish with Air Bourne but Cody runs interference and Barrett hits Wasteland for the win.

Winners: Cody Rhodes & Wade Barrett

-Post-match, Christian runs-in for a beatdown on the tag champs but Sheamus saves as expected. Short but got the point across. *3/4.


Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show

Show hammers away and serves up some chops in the corner before hitting a suplex for two. Del Rio manages to dodge a charge in the corner but floors Del Rio with a clothesline anyways. Show eats foot on another blind charge and Del Rio tries for a sleeper. He works that for a bit until the Show can revive himself from the CHEERS OF THE CAPACITY CROWD and flip Alberto to the mat.

We head outside where Big Show slugs away and beats Del Rio around the ring. Show misses a charge against the ring barricade and Del Rio hits an enzuigiri, looking for a countout but Show makes it back in. Del Rio stomps away for two and then works a chinlock until Big Show eventually suplexes his way out. This match has been Del Rio constantly selling and looking like a midcarder against the "rejuvenated" Big Show. Show clotheslines Del Rio to the floor and...we go to commercial? We're going to actually CONTINUE this boring match? Why or why?

We return with Big Show working a chinlock but Del Rio fights his way out and hits a DDT for two, tossing Alberto out of the ring in the process. Del Rio returns and charges with an enzuigiri attempt but Big Show slaps him away and GETS THE PIN!?! What the hell?

Winner: Big Show

-Are you serious? Big Show just got lazy on the DAMN FINISH! That was the weakest looking punch in the entire match and it got the pin? What the hell kind of booking was this? Why in God's name would you have your world champion get physically dominated the entire match and then lose to a damn slap to the face? This promotion is completely on crack. 1/4* for mind-numbingly boring stuff and a finish that pissed me off.

-CM Punk comes down after the match and wakes Alberto up to lock on the Anaconda Vise until Del Rio agrees to a match at Survivor Series. Of course, Del Rio instantly gives it up and gives Punk the match. Well, that was much easier than beating Mizark.

-Meanwhile, Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger twist Gonzo into a pretzel.


Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella

Animal is the special guest timekeeper. Swagger hammers away and does push-ups on Santino's back because he's EVIL. The crowd could give a rat's ass about Jack Swagger. Swagger continues to control while the crowd cheers for Zack Ryder. Santino mounts a brief comeback with a hiptoss but gets caught in the ankle lock and has to fight to the ropes.

Thankfully he does, because Beaker appears from under the ring with a special "energy drink." Santino spits it in Swagger's face and rolls Jack up for the win.

Winner: Santino Marella

-My God...now Swagger is doing jobs to Santino Marella AND A PUPPET. That whirring sound you hear is Lou Thesz spinning in his grave. DUD DUD DUD.


Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler

Match starts quickly as they exchange reversals and Ryder gets two off a roll-up but he gets caught with a dropkick and Ziggler takes control. Ryder reverses a neckbreaker, hitting clotheslines and following with a missile dropkick causing Dolph to take a powder. Ryder follows with a plancha and that takes us to commercial.

We return with Ziggler in control and dropping an elbow for two. Neckbreaker hits but Ryder catches a dropkick and catapults Ziggler into the corner a la Curt Hennig. Flapjack puts Ziggler in the corner and Zack pounds away before hitting the Woo Woo Woo Kick for two. Ziggler comes back with a jawbreaker but hits knees on a blind charge and Ryder gets the pin...but Dolph's foot was on the ropes.

The referee waves off the count and Ziggler runs away, allowing Vickie to interfere and try the Zig Zag but Ryder grabs the ropes at the last second. Ryder catches Dolph charging with the Ruff Ryder and gets the upset win.

Winner: Zack Ryder

-Hey, a clean win over a credible opponent! Could it be someone in WWE's front office actually knows how to start getting a new talent over? Nah, must be a mistake. Match was good for TV and I'm really starting to dig Dolph Ziggler's work. **3/4

-Recap of the Kevin Nash-HHH attack and apparently Hunter will be out for five weeks. In other news, Johnny Ace re-signed Kevin Nash to Raw because HHH requested it.

-So apparently Michael Cole vs. Jim Ross is going to happen NEXT week instead...yep, that will certainly draw a 5.0. Good thing they are drawing this feud out to build some heat.

-Meanwhile, Miss Piggy hits on John Morrison but he sets her up with Hornswoggle instead. Hornswoggle plants a kiss and Piggy responds with a karate chop.



Not a whole lot of time left for this one, so I don't expect much here. Cena starts quickly with a vertical suplex and a sloppy dropkick for two. He misses a blind charge though and Miz hits him with a big boot and stomps away. Miz hits Cena with another kick to the face and hits his clothesline in the corner before heading up top. Double ax handle hits for two and Miz works a chinlock.

Cena fights his way out and, like clockwork, launches into his SOS Comeback. Attitude Adjustment attempt is countered to a DDT by Miz though and he hits his backbreaker-neckbreaker combo for two. Cena comes back with a splash in the corner and a hard clothesline for two but Miz catches him heading to the top and attempts a superplex. Cena headbutts his way out though and hits a flying legdrop to the back of the head for two. Has that move ever pinned anyone? Why is the crowd so shocked?

Another AA attempt is countered to a short DDT by Miz for two but Cena dumps him to the floor and introduces Miz to the crowd barricade. Suddenly, a guy in a Scream Killer outfit grabs Cena, allowing Miz to nail him from behind and try to finish in the ring. Cena is, of course, Superman so he immediately reverses it to the STF for the submission.

Winner: John Cena

-What's the point of having surprise outside interference if Cena's just going to squash him anyways? Meh, it's John Cena booking, I should expect the worst at this point. Oh, the guy in the costume was R-Truth in case you have the IQ of a dog and couldn't figure it out. They squeezed a lot into the main event and it was pretty good stuff. ***


Final Word

The episode was OK but really nothing special.  I'm a Muppet mark so I probably enjoyed those segments a little more than others but I still don't understand the point.  You're wasting valuable TV time promoting a product that is not yours while your young talent is floundering trying to get any foothold they possibly can in the roster.

I know they are really banking on the Rock-Cena team to drive up the PPV buyrate but, unless they have credible opponents, people aren't going to pay to see them wipe the mat with the "main event tag team."  Oh and please, don't put Kevin Nash in a prominent position


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