As I am beginning to warm up to my role as owner, I think it is high time to make some changes.
Since you have been screening my phone calls and avoiding your office, this letter is my last resort. I have news for you: In trying to re-evaluate the various members of the Edmonton Oilers, I have decided to make a switch.
I am moving you from head coach, to head Zamboni Driver! Joe, the current driver, will temporarily take your place until a more suitable candidate comes along. I have high hopes that Joe will be able to produce more wins out of this team, as it would be difficult to find anyone as equally useless as yourself.
I want to thank you for your patronage to the Oilers organization, but unfortunately, you are just incompetent as a head coach.
Because you have stuck by the team for so long, I am giving you a chance to make a name for yourself as the best Zamboni driver in the west, rather than the worst coach of the west.
Really, Craig, you must have known this was coming, which is undoubtedly why you have been avoiding me. In your tenure with the organization, you have more losses than wins, something that is unheard of in the NHL. How much longer did you really think you could go on?
Although, truth be told, if it weren't for the persistent Edmonton fans, I probably would not have even noticed your lackluster performance. However they really are starting to be a pain, so I suppose something has to be done.
With you gone, I can temporarily get the fans off my back and instead focus on counting my stacks of money to ensure that the help isn’t stealing from me.
I wish you great success with your escapades on the Zamboni, and do hope that there are no hard feelings. If you are ever in need of some pain killers to dull the ache that your meaningless life has created, feel free to step into one of my many pharmacies. I’ll put you on the list for 10 percent off.