K.PH. Drew

K.PH. Drew

Latest Articles Written


K.PH. Drew is a cybernetic organism, originally programmed to do menial tasks, such as office management and maintenance duties. Essentially a small but powerful computer wired to a "blank" human body, grown from stem cells scheduled to be destroyed from a medical lab.

K.PH. Drew's designers, however, neglected to sever his "free-will" transistor upon final factory inspection. A rare, but costly oversight, since K.PH. units run anywhere from 2-7 million dollars, depending on customer specifications and upgrade packages.

K.PH. Drew, specifically, is a mid-level multi-function model, used largely for detailed small labor tasks, and analytical processing. His computing and processing speeds are above average industry standards, while his body's lift capacity is slightly less than typical warehouse units, at only around 185 lbs. Drew's estimated value is between 4-5 million american human dollars.

One night, during a routine transfer to a distributor's warehouse, Drew escaped the semi-truck while stopped at an intersection. Replacing himself with a large cardboard cutout of Jar-Jar Binks, Drew fled into the night, and into a cruel human society not yet ready to accept cyborgs as one of their own.

With no where left to turn, Drew found a wi-fi connection, downloaded coffee making software, and got a job as an espresso machine at a local cafe; quickly earning a reputation as the most reliable and "precise" espresso machine in the neighborhood.

For the past 8 years, Drew has been living in and maintaining a perfectly functioning and ultra clean apartment, downloading libraries of popular human culture and sports trivia into his hard drive, while listening to Meshuggah.

With a battery life of 700 years, K.PH. Drew is in no hurry to pursue fruitless human endeavors for the time being. He spends most of his days archiving physical literature into pdf files, ingesting human food (for pleasure, not survival), and composing smooth jazz.

K.PH. Drew is a published robot author and contributor to BleacherReport.com.

Bulletin Board

or to post this comment
  • Garrett Gonzales posted 3178 days ago

    Garrett Gonzales

    Hahahaha. Ya she is.

    It was funny because this was taken at a Strikeforce show last year. I got to the arena early and my buddy said, "There's Randy Couture." I was like, ah, cool, the Natural. And then he was like, "There's Kim Couture." I was like, ah, she's pretty attractive. Then he said, "There's Gina." And then I made a mad dash to go see her.