8 Fighters Who Need to Spend Some Time with Steven Seagal

Andrew H@@MMAZeitgeistContributor IIIApril 27, 2012

8 Fighters Who Need to Spend Some Time with Steven Seagal

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    Ever since Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida knocked their respective opponents out with Aikido's signature front kicks to the face, Sensei Seagal's phone must have been ringing off the hook.

    The thing is, one man, even a great man like Steven Seagal, only has so much time to coach internationally renowned fighters. Amid a string of obligations including acting commitments in 46 straight-to-DVD movies and the policing of America's most dangerous streets, Seagal can squeeze in only those competitors who truly need his help.

    Luckily for the master, we've narrowed down the candidates, selecting eight fighters desperately in need of some education.

    The following slides showcase competitors in dire straights, highlighting those individuals who, without knowing a series of fairly impractical wrist-locks, may find themselves fighting irrelevancy in the MMA world.

    What would we do without Steven? Let's hope we never have to find out.


Demian Maia

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    Should Demian Maia ever rematch Anderson Silva, he needs a competitive edge. Rather than being tempted by synthetic testosterone or Deca, however, Maia should simply add the world's most potent ingredient to his workout cocktails: Seagalanol-7.

    Users of Seaganol-7 report increased muscle mass, improved kicking technique and razor-sharp focus in the gym.

    Maia's stand-up looks pretty stiff, right? Not any more. In just a few two-minute sessions with Smokin' Steve, Maia will know boxing, kickboxing, Taekwondo, Thai Boxing, Sanda and Wing Chun to 7th Dan level. Amazed onlookers will attribute Maia's success to hard work and dedication, but we will know better.

    The best part? There is no test for Steven Segal, ladies and gentlemen.

Keith Jardine

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    What has Keith Jardine lost? A lot of fights. Before that though, Jardine lost his chin.

    What does Keith need to get his career back on track?

    Ki, obviously.

    Before entering the Octagon, Jardine should have Sensei Steven reinforce his failing jawline with ancient samurai power, ensuring that no mere mortal shall tweak a hair on the Dean's long-suffering goatee again.

    While he's at it, he may as well ask Seagal for invisible nun-chucks to use in the cage, too.

    What? You didn't know that Steven Seagal carries two pairs of invisible nun-chucks on his person at all times? Shut up.

Big Nog

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    See, Big Nog has the right idea. He has already been working with the best, rolling with Sly Stallone in the run-up to his fight with Frank Mir.

    What Big Nog really needs, though, is some BJJ training from an Aikido master.

    Had Seagal been in Nog's corner during UFC 140, the Brazilian would have known to avoid the Guillotine altogether, opting instead for a vicious forward-roll attack.

    The fight would have been over in seconds.

Dan Hardy

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    When Dan Hardy weighed in against GSP wearing red contact lenses, we were all thinking the same thing.

    How could Steven Seagal allow this to happen?

    Had Hardy consulted Sensei Seagal prior to his unfortunate choice of eyewear, he would have known that yellow lenses constitute the only acceptable form of artificial eye colouring suitable for the trained killer.

    Studies have shown a direct link between Steven Seagal wearing yellow sunglasses and his being a death-master, babe-magnet and chairperson of the Order of the Phoenix.

    How different things could have been.

Steven Thompson

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    Stephen Thompson seems to be a good striker. He has one major kink in his game, however, a flaw which Steven Seagal would sort in a jiffy.

    Thompson kicks sideways, backwards, spins and snaps round-house kicks off at an alarming rate. What Thompson doesn't do, however, is throw kicks as God intended: forwards.

    If Stephen Thompson truly wishes to achieve success in his fighting career, he needs to drop the nonsense and start throwing teeps to the face. No stupid punches, no ridiculous turns, just double legged front kicks.

    If Wonderboy ever fights GSP, he's going to need to stuff some shots. Let's hope he's working on his teeps to the face.

Bob Sapp

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    We've all been saying it for years: Bob Sapp needs to lose muscle if he wants to compete at a high level in MMA.

    Look at Steven, he knows.

    See, Bob, it's like this. Martial Arts isn't about being the biggest guy, or the strongest guy, or even about hitting hardest. Budo is something more, something deeper. It's about spirit, integrity...

    It's about walking around backstage in an '80s leather jacket claiming sole responsibility for the success of MMA's most talented and hardworking fighters.

    Lose the ego, Bob. Have a chat with Sensei Seagal.

Tim Sylvia

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    Tim Sylvia has made no secret about his desire to return to the UFC, even releasing a video of his "Beast Mode Training" as proof of his eligibility to re-join the organization.

    Here's the problem, though. Tim looked exhausted in his recent video.

    What Tim needs, then, is Steven Seagal's lightning bolt energy drink. You didn't know Steven Seagal had an energy drink, huh?

    I'll be honest, neither did I.

    If it works for Sensei Steve, though, I'm prepared to bet that it's elixir of the Gods. Tim just needs to get in contact with Steven, get a sponsorship deal, and BANG.

    He'll be sparring featherweights for days at a time.

Fedor Emelianenko

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    Now, I know what you're thinking, but we can all learn from the best.

    If Fedor truly wishes to be successful on American soil, he needs to dial 1-800 SEAGAL right now. No more trips to Holland for the sake of learning a few pretty roundhouse kicks.

    The truth is, Fedor's lack of dan grades has finally caught up with him. Fedor is only a first dan in Judo, and SAMBO doesn't even have a proper belt system, absurd as this may seem.

    Seagal could give Fedor a sixth dan in minutes, unlocking a well of potential deep in Fedor's Russian belly.

    It's time we all remembered that black belts, not combat experience, make a fighter.