Doomsday: What if New England doesn't win the Super Bowl?

Elisabeth GalinaSenior Analyst IJanuary 27, 2008

With the Super Bowl looming, we must be prepared for a scenario so scary, people dare not speak its name. The “what if” of this scenario will leave the world in shambles. The “say it isn’t so” of this scenario will make grown men weep and women everywhere become infertile.

What do we do if the Giants go for gold in Arizona? What do we do if the Patriots don’t win Superbowl XLII?

In the days of NFL yesteryear, the Super Bowl meant that the best of the NFC would meet up with the best of the AFC. There was nothing to prove but skill and talent. Now, the Super Bowl has become a ticking clock for the end of humanity.

The New York Giants are that kid who sticks his finger two inches from your eye and says “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!” You get fed up, punch him, and then he yelps to the teacher “He hit me!”

Instigators, yes but goddammit are they ever good at it. Big Blue thrives on the penalties of their opponents. A yard here, a yard there, a false start every once and a while, but never their own.

They did it in Dallas and they did it in Green Bay. Now they have a shot to do it in Glendale.

But the world will go on if the Giants lose to New England. People will wake up, go on with their lives, some more disappointed then others, but nothing will differ from the norm.

However, if the Pats do not achieve a perfect season, all hell will break loose, causing a ripple effect in the universe.

I recently received a piece of information that has me quite worried. Marty McFly went to the future and bought the Sports Almanac, left it in the Delorean, Biff stole it, went back in time and gave it to his younger self, who made a fortune with it and changed the course of history.

What you don’t know is in the Sports Almanac it states very clearly in big bold letters that on February 3rd New England will cream the Green Bay Packers.

What? No, it says Packers, not Giants.

You see, Biff grew up with Don Shula. One day, Shula stumbled upon the Almanac and saw that the 1972 Dolphins were to accomplish greatness. He made sure to involve himself with them as much as he could. Everything was fine for years until Tom Brady and his band of wonderful showed up.

Doc Brown warned Coach Shula that the Patriots had already tampered with the space time continuum accidentally due to their sheer awesomeness and that it was best to let the season run it’s course.

Don didn’t care. He couldn’t let some perfume model and an ex-Raider who makes juice take down the legend perpetuated by his ’72 Dolphins.

The problem was the Patriots were unstoppable, like 88 miles per hour, unstoppable. They weren’t supposed to go 19-0, they were supposed to lose three games along the way. One to the Eagles, one to the Ravens, and one to the Giants.It says so in the Almanac.

I would post it here, but for legal reasons I cannot, and plus Griff, Biff’s grandson rode his hover board right through the glass of the courthouse. The Patriots messed with history inadvertently by beating everyone and their mom’s this season but it was not in vain.

For starters, the “homeless coach” look is back in style. Kids everywhere are cutting off their sleeves! It’s a fad that generated enough business for the dying sweatshirt and scissors industry that it was able to stay afloat! Thanks New England!

In an underground lair far beneath the earth’s core, Don Shula paced the room with a copy of the Sports Almanac clenched in his fists. How could he ensure that his ’72 Dolphins didn’t get knocked out of their top spot in the record books?

Simple, Lawrence Tynes.

January 20th, the other LT woke up in a cold sweat. He knew that his team wasn’t supposed to win. He knew the Packers were Super Bowl bound, yet he had received a strange phone call the night before from someone claiming to be Don Shula. It was the best of Tynes, it was the worst of Tynes ,but in the end Larry kicked the winning field goal sending the Giants to Superbowl XLII.

Mass hysteria and chaos will ensue if the Patriots aren’t able to beat the Giants on Sunday. Before Doomsday hits there will be warning signs, like the Ten Plagues.

The skies will rain down with blue frost Gatorade. Under Armor cleats will wash up on the shores of all the Great Lakes. John Madden will say something intelligent. Tom Brady will lose the ability to get women pregnant just by looking at them, and LSU will win the BCS championship for the second time.

Oh no, it’s starting already!

Well Earth, humanity and civilization as a whole, it’s been good to know you. See you at the Super Bowl.