I have finally figured out why the UK has gone to the dogs. It’s taken 41 years, endless hours of painstaking research and a not inconsiderable amount of constipated cogitation, but I finally have the answer.
It’s the Queen’s fault.
Yes, the wicked witch of Windsor, that Satan in a sun hat, is responsible for all our nation’s ills. And I’ll explain why.
Before she began her reign of terror, we’d just won World War II. The Third Reich had been vanquished forever and we could look forward with pride to a glorious future. Britain would once again be the world’s foremost superpower.
Okay, the country was essentially bankrupt and poverty was worse after the war than it had been during the conflict, but these things were bound to happen.
Then, in 1952, this heinous woman was swept into power. And that’s when it all started to go a bit pear-shaped. Mods & Rockers would pile down to Brighton and imaginatively redesign the seafront (usually with baseball bats and a length of sturdy chain) whilst simultaneously kicking the crap out of each other, before jumping back on their Vespas and trundling back to London.
The teenager was born.
With Britain’s youth out of control, the Queen took decisive action: she went on a cruise.
In the 1970s, with the economy in tatters, our automotive industry the laughing stock of the world and the winter of discontent looming, she just had to do something …
So she went on another cruise.
Then things really started to turn nasty. Prince Charles, heir to the throne, decided it was time to stop cavorting on beaches with nubile young native girls in grass skirts and got married. Then he got divorced.
Prince Andrew got married, found his wife having her toes sucked on a sun lounger, and promptly got divorced.
Princess Anne got married, turned into a horse, and got divorced.
The Queen gave a speech, something about a horrible anus, and flew to Australia. After 50 years she had finally realised that you could get away from Britain far more quickly by plane than by boat.
So you see, the Queen’s the problem. All these things have happened on her watch. Thank goodness the British parliament has been there to keep her in check.
I say we get rid of her. Who’s with me?
I’m not talking about regicide; that would be a bit extreme. But we could become a republic. It’s been done before by Oliver Cromwell, and Charles I didn’t do too badly out of it...right up until that unfortunate incident with an axe, when his head and shoulders decided to part company.
France is a republic and there’s never been any problem there. Okay, I know that Corsican megalomaniac with height issues declared himself emperor and tried to take over the world, but that was just bad luck.
Then you have the Democratic Republic of Congo. There aren’t any problems there, are there? Ah, civil war and genocide. Good point, well made. So what about Afghanistan, that’s a republic? Sudan? (Sigh).
Well, maybe the Queen hasn’t done too badly after all. Perhaps it’s because we do have a parliament separate from the Monarchy. Could this system of checks and balances work elsewhere?
- B/R Ticket Guide
Which brings me nicely on to the FIA.
The last couple of seasons have been quite a hectic period for Max Mosley and his colleagues at Place de la Concorde. After a year of controversy in 2007, with the ‘spygate’ scandal and accusations of a "witch hunt," we were looking forward to starting this past season with a clean slate.
Instead, we started the year with "spankygate," as Max’s proclivity for a spot of S&M hanky panky with five prostitutes hit the headlines.
When it went to court, Max won his privacy case against the News of the World. He also won the confidence vote at the FIA. Well, he designed the voting system in the first place, so it’s hardly surprising.
A lot of people were disappointed by these outcomes, but few were surprised. Max Mosley has always been extremely adept at manipulating people and situations.
Apparently it’s perfectly normal behaviour to hire five hookers, dress them up as prisoners and whip them while barking out orders in German. Nothing odd about that.
“Ah,” said Max imperiously, “she needs more of zee punishment.” Course she does.
And as a final twist, it turned out that one of these ladies was the wife of an MI5 agent. You really couldn’t make it up!
And then we had the F1 stewards. Ah, bless ‘em. They’ve certainly been up to some mischief this year. 2008 has seen some of the most bizarre stewarding decisions in the sport’s history.
For example: In Australia, Felipe Massa was released from his pit into the path of another car. No action was taken.
In Valencia, the same thing happened, and he received a 10,000-euro fine.
The same thing happened for a third time in Singapore, and he received a drive-through penalty.
The same thing happens to the same driver in three different races, yet he receives three different stewards’ decisions. Not surprisingly, people started asking questions over the consistency of race stewards’ decisions.
Then we had "chicanegate" at Spa-Francorchamps, where Lewis Hamilton gained a place (from Kimi Raikkonen) by cutting the chicane, gave the place back, then retook the place at the next corner after going right around the back of Raikkonen.
Even though race director Charlie Whiting twice told McLaren that the move was acceptable, Hamilton was given a post-race 25-second penalty.
Everyone other than Ferrari and the FIA were up in arms over this decision, but even after an FIA hearing, the penalty stood.
I say everyone, but most of the drivers agreed with it. Envy is a terrible thing. Fernando Alonso even said post-race that he thought it was a fair punishment, even though he didn’t know what the offence was.
The Japanese Grand Prix took stewarding incompetence to new levels, though. Hamilton was given a drive-through for forcing Raikkonen off the track at the start, even though, if they’d bothered to look carefully enough, it was Kovalainen who forced his fellow Finn to go wide. This was the first instance of a first-corner incident warranting a penalty in the sport’s history.
And then, the icing on the cake was a penalty against poor old Sebastien Bourdais for having the temerity to be in Massa’s way as he exited the pits. Shocking.
So, following these, and other dubious decisions, many inside and outside the sport have called for greater consistency in the administering of penalties.
In particular, there were calls for the same stewards to officiate at every grand prix, one of them being a former driver.
The FIA carefully listened to these suggestions …
… and promptly ignored them.
Instead, they’ve made some amendments to the rules regarding stewards.
New stewards will have to observe at least one grand prix prior to becoming a steward. One. ONE? I’ve just worked out that I must have "observed" around 400 grands prix. So where do I sign up?
The race stewards’ CVs will be published before a grand prix. That doesn’t mean anything. My CV says that I’ve been an astronaut, a race driver (obviously) and an Alaskan cod farmer. Everyone lies on their CVs, don’t they?
Written explanations of stewarding decisions will be published after the race, and video evidence used will be made public. Can’t wait for these.
“Car No. 1 recklessly led from pole to flag. 25-second retrospective drive-through penalty. Car Nos. 3 & 4 promoted to first and second.”
Ah, but that brings me to the next point. They can’t do that any more. Decisions have to be made during the race, where possible. Only when further evidence is needed will a decision be deferred.
A step in the right direction, then, without giving anyone exactly what they want. But it should, the FIA hopes, be enough to keep the teams quiet, and stuff the viewing public.
Here is the problem with the Undemocratic Republic of the FIA. There is no balance. No one to say, “No, we can’t do that. What if we compromise and do this?”
What if the president of the FIA were to go mad? What happens then? He may be happy to marry a chicken, discuss philosophy with mushrooms and behead anyone whose team name begins with ‘Mc’ (which, frankly, is being a bit Scottishist), but it also means he has free reign to destroy the sport with his certifiably bonkers ideas. Standardised engines, for instance.
Maybe King Max needs a prime minister. I could do that. I’ve seen loads of races. That probably makes me immediately ineligible. The last thing the FIA wants is someone who knows anything about F1.
So maybe having a monarchy isn’t such a bad idea, after all. It’s worked pretty well for Britain. We haven’t had any despotic megalomaniac leaders lately (not withstanding Margaret Thatcher), no recent civil wars and no genocide that I know of.
If only the FIA could see it my way.
If you have any comments, please address them to:
The Chimp at the Top,
North West Tower
The Tower of London
London
EC3
I think I can hear the axe man sharpening his blade already, so you’d better make it quick.
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about 1 month ago
Golden stuff mate, and all true. Would I be right in assuming that you don not particularly like our monarchy? haha!
Now see, exactly what you pointed out, the country was on it's knees, we had no economy, a millionaire was rare compared to the thousands there are these days. Recession? Bollocks...
I was in Argos yesterday, or at least I would have been if there was not so many people in the store, or rather, the SUPERstore.
Credit Crunch? Sure, I'll believe that when Bill Gates runs out of money, not when the next door neighbor cannot hire a hooker. haha!
FIA - Complete joke
from about 1 month ago
The Credit crunch is bollocks , now im not racist yeah but I know for a fact that we are in this situation now because of the amount of Immigrants we failed to stop entering the UK illegally , now theyr living off our state benefits and are entitled to exactly the same benefits as a english person , they are eating up all our taxes and resources and now the country is in a desperate situation , food has gone up in price by a huge margin now , 500 grams of mince meat 2 months ago cost me £ 1:40p ....now the same brand are selling it as 300 grams for £ 2:00p ......doesnt sound a lot but its massive to people who dont have much money ..........................Compare the UK with OZ , they are revelling in a nice economy , no immigrants and only state benefits that are paid out is to australians......we need to follow their ways i think .
from about 1 month ago
now see, I'm not racists either, but I do hate the bastards. haha!
I still get a weekly shop for £30, it's all pastry food and it is probably making me fat-er,but who cares lol.
from about 1 month ago
I think it's fair to say that I'm not an out-and-out monarchist. I've nothing against Good Queen Bess II personally, but she just doesn't seem to do much. I mean, could you really see her leading her troops into battle a la Henry V?
Good point about the pastry, though. People need to eat more pies. None of this namby-pamby, low fat, low salt, low sugar nonsense. After the war, all people ate was stodge, and how many lardies did you see then, eh?
Thanks for your comments,
Ian.
about 1 month ago
Nicely written. Sadly, I can't form much of an opinion because I'm a complete moron who knows nothing about Britain(translation: "I am American") besides the fact that they produced one of the funniest people in human history: Jeremy Clarkson.
from about 1 month ago
If the monarchy had any sense, they would allow you and everyone else to write SIR Jeremy Clarkson, I mean come on, who else attached a V8 engine from a corvette to a food blender, and then puts beef, complete with bones, three pints of bovril, a pint of chilli sauce, and a brick?
from about 1 month ago
Ah, good old Jezza - he's an inspiration to us all. Sorry if the article was a bit Anglo-centric (might have just accidentally invented a new word) but it's easy to forget that I'm writing for a global audience.
If you like Jeremy Clarkson, all his motoring articles are on The Times website:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/driving/
Thanks for your comments,
Ian.
from about 1 month ago
Oh, don't worry: I read his articles and all that stuff.
about 1 month ago
Time for an injection of national pride. We gave the world:
---------------------------------------------------
Shakespeare
The English languge
Bernie Ecclestone
The United States Of America (The founding fathers were Brits, weren't they?)
Canada (had to slap the French a bit)
Australia (some of our finest convicts)
New Zealand (some of our skilled sheep-fanciers)
Almost everything ever invented
The industrial revolution
Tennis
Football (Soccer)
Golf
Cricket
Rounders (Baseball)
Netball (Basketball)
Bag-snatching (NFL and other grab-it-and-run games)
Darts
Billiards/Snooker/Pool
Hockey
Has anything gone wrong? Two words: Labour Party
This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle,
This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,
This other Eden, demi-paradise,
This fortress built by Nature for herself
Against infection and the hand of war,
This happy breed of men, this little world,
This precious stone set in the silver sea,
Which serves it in the office of a wall
Or as a moat defensive to a house,
Against the envy of less happier lands,—
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.
Read it and weep, you people from less happy lands!
from about 1 month ago
Duncan, I'm positively blubbing with pride. All the things this country has produced: the NHS, queueing, John Prescott, the IPCC, British Rail, British Steel, the University of Essex - the list is endless.
Thanks for the pick and the positive comments,
Ian.
from about 1 month ago
I learnt not long ago that my G-G-Grandad was a Scot; he married an Irishwoman. My grandmother (their) granddaughter, married a Seppo with a Kraut name. Sadly, I've since learnt that my dad, who I'd always thought was an Aussie, was actually English. I was so disappointed.
about 1 month ago
I've regained my senses Ian, and I've given you a pick for a very readable article.
about 1 month ago
Oh- just makes you want to be British doesn't it?
about 1 month ago
Sorry, Mark, but we do have illegitimate doleys here, and over the odds immigration. While Howard stopped the reffo smugglers, that wasn't enough. One thing Britain has in abundance and we don't is simply rainfall.This is basically a dry country. We do have floods but much of the water, quite cunningly, seems to land away from catchment areas. Nobody seems to know why.
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