November is almost over, and sports fans everywhere know what that means. The NFL playoff picture starts coming into view, early front-runners are established in the NBA and NHL, and Thanksgiving.
Yes, Thanksgiving. The one day of the year when your family comes together and annoys the hell out of you, with football as your only reprieve.
But is football really your only escape from your maddening relatives? Wouldn’t it be great if there were something to watch every single minute of Thanksgiving, an excuse for every hour to avoid those awkward conversations with the socially challenged elements of your mother’s side of the family?
Bleacher Report can help. We have compiled a list of excuses to be used at your leisure. From midnight to midnight (EST), here is your 24-hour Thanksgiving sports schedule, complete with what to say when someone asks what you’re watching and why.
12:00 – 3:30 am: Omega Mission Hills World Cup Day 1, Golf Channel
Why you’re watching: The second annual Omega Mission Hills World Cup will be airing live from China, and the American team of Ben Curtis and Brandt Snedeker will attempt to avenge their 2007 defeat at the hands of Scotland. Snedecker is one of the rising American stars in golf, placing third in the 2008 Masters, and this is his chance to show his stuff on the national stage.
Why you’re really watching: If you want to get an early jump on this one, it actually starts at 10:30pm EST Wednesday night. Now you don’t have to help with the Thanksgiving pre-preparation. There are pies to make, turkeys to marinate, last-minute supplies to get! No, you’re watching golf, because you’re a real American who supports athletes even when it’s not trendy (i.e., during the Olympics).
3:00 – 5:00 am: Orlando Magic at Philadelphia 76ers, ESPN
Why you’re watching: Orlando is an up-and-coming team, and Dwight Howard may be the most dominant center in the league. Philadelphia is finally showing signs of returning to legitimacy, and Elton Brand vs. Howard should be a great matchup to watch. Besides, you heard it was a great game, but you missed some of it because you were at the store picking up stuffing and cranberry sauce.
Why you’re really watching: This will actually be a re-airing of Wednesday night’s game, but that'll be our secret. Just as a precaution, don’t watch the game Wednesday night. That way, nobody raises questions about your motives. Which is good, because your motives are disgraceful. In your defense, the last time you picked up your sister-in-law from a red-eye flight, she talked your ear off for an hour about how much she hates her job, and her bratty kid threw up in the back seat of your new car. This year, she can rent a car.
5:00 – 6:00 am: PRCA Rodeo from Colorado Springs, ESPN Classic
Why you’re watching: It’s the bulls and blood, it’s the dust and mud, it’s the roar of a Thursday crowd…
Why you’re really watching: I’ll be honest – I don’t know anything about this event. But neither do you. It’s 5 am, and if you’re not asleep it means somebody is trying to wake you up for an early church service or early cooking preparations. Either way, just watch the rodeo. Besides, if it’s 5 am and you’re awake, you’d rather be doing anything other than the actual reason you’re up at 5 am.
6:00 – 9:00 am: Mike & Mike in the Morning, ESPN2
Why you’re watching: Mike & Mike are hilarious, and they provide a fresh take on sports stories you heard the night before. They may not be Mike Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser, but they’re better than grounds in your coffee.
Why you’re really watching: Love them or hate them, Mike & Mike are the only two guys who are going to offer you genuinely original sports material this early in the morning. Which is more annoying, Mike & Mike, or your cousin Dave (who shows up too early to everything) and his obnoxious wife?
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about 1 month ago
This article has nothing to do with the fine points of convincing the wife or any other female relatives of the value in watching football over the contrived-making it up on the spot- what I'm thankful for. I feel mislead.
Shame on you.
The wings suck by the way...
from about 1 month ago
Always gender-conscious and PC, I have kept the article genderless enough so that it could apply to a female sports fan, as well. Conceivably, you have developed your own strategies for justifying the value of football.
Also, Lord Stanley begs to differ.
about 1 month ago
That was great. Very funny, very well written. I am now a fan
about 1 month ago
Great job, funny, I laughed a lot.
about 1 month ago
ill be over , the picture looks soooooo goooooood...happy thanksgivin...
from about 1 month ago
Yeah, that was my alternative method of escape: Eat turkey, fall asleep.
about 1 month ago
Great title, describes my whole family's Thanksgiving to an extent. Nice idea for an article, and really well-organized.
about 1 month ago
Glad you liked it, though I can't take credit for the idea. I had the story pitched to me, and I thought it was hilarious, so... yeah. Thanks for the pick, though.
about 1 month ago
Haha this was great, and made SI.com's Hot Clicks List. Congrats!!!
from about 1 month ago
Thanks for reading. I can die happily now that SI can acknowledged my existence. I'd rather stay alive and gloat about it, though.
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